I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
