In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize