the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you had me at cake vodka
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
