At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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