just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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