Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
