I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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