Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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