dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
