just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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