I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
