I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Green mimosas i think yes
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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