yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
