I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
