woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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