seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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