i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
