Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
