its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
