I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
