i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
