you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
