I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
