You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
