yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
