you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
