She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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