I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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