Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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