i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
