There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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