Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
not ubering you a puppy
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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