Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
