yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
