A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
