it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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