Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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