when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
