She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
pray to the hookup gods
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
