Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
