I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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