Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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