theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
