I can tuck mytits in my pants
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't deserve a penis
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
