This dress was meant to end up on your floor
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
