I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
