If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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