I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
