I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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