I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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