I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Randomize
