When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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