It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I pour the whiskey from now on
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
