The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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