i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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