I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
