It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
